2 Years Sober

On June 25th, 2023, I was sitting at my desk drinking a quart of gin and thinking about killing myself. I had tried quitting alcohol multiple times in the year and failed each time within days. I felt like nothing mattered anymore and if I drank myself to death, nobody would care. This, of course, was not true. But the alcohol was louder and more persuasive than anything else so I kept on drinking.

When I started drinking at 15, I knew that I had to be careful—both my parents were alcoholics and I learned that I was genetically predisposed to becoming one as well. I figured I could handle it better than them. For years, I’d only drink at parties or with friends and I never got blackout drunk. I was confident I had this under control. When I turned 21, it was far easier to obtain so I started having regular drinks after work with my roommate. One night, we were watching a movie and we started playing a drinking game, I forget what the specific rules were but I’m pretty sure I won. I can’t remember most of the night actually, but I do remember waking up in bed around 2pm surrounded by my own vomit. My roommate had called me multiple times and left many angry voicemails about how the apartment reeked and how much of an asshole I was being the previous night. I needed to let her know when it was “safe to come back”. That was the first of many wake-up calls I ignored.

I moved into a new place a few months later. My new roommates were all alcoholics of some kind, some more functional than others. I drank with them until it became clear they were also really terrible people and not that fun to be around. I started drinking alone in my room more and moved out when one of them tried to kill me (that’s another story). Covid hit and I hit the booze harder. Friends told me they were worried about me. I told them I was going to stop. I didn’t. I moved out of Chicago to live with my girlfriend. I learned to keep my drinking a secret so nobody would bother me about it. I don’t think my girlfriend noticed how deep the problem was until I broke down in 2022 and told her the whole story. She made me promise to seek help and to quit for good. I promised.

June 25th, 2023. I had broken my promise to the love of my life weeks ago and I hated myself for it. I wanted the gin to take me down and keep me there. I wanted it to consume me. I poured another glass and kept scrolling on cohost dot org (RIP eggbug). I saw this post and clicked play on the video.

It’s such a stupid fucking song. I snapped out of my depressive trance and laughed and laughed. Randy Newman dubstep, what will they think of next! I reposted it and then immediately got depressed again. This is my life? I drink a quart of gin basically every day and listen to dubstep Randy Newman? This is really what I want to be doing? I started sobbing. The song kept playing. Then I started laughing at myself, thinking about what a funny scene this would be if it were a movie. Randy Newman dubstep blaring while someone has a long dark night of the soul. Then I got sad again, thinking about the film production career I almost had and then didn’t. All the other opportunities that I could’ve taken advantage of had I not been ruining my life. I was getting whipped back and forth between the poles of emotion to the point of exhaustion. I stumbled into the kitchen and poured the rest of gin down the sink. I told myself this was it, I’m quitting NOW and for the last time.

June 25th, 2025. Today is the 2 year anniversary of listening to a song so laughably awful it made me stop drinking. Okay, it wasn’t really the song’s doing but I haven’t had a drop since! It wasn’t easy; I ended up in the hospital with scary withdrawals symptoms on July 3rd, 2023 (one year to the day before my near fatal car crash… that’s weird). And there have been moments when I linger in front of the shelves of liquor at the corner store, thinking “Well, I’ve made it this far without relapsing, maybe just one drink won’t hurt…”. Invariably, Randy Newman dubstep pops into my head in those moments and I chuckle to myself as I walk away.

It is not easy for me to feel pride in my accomplishments but this is a big one. Gritting my teeth and fighting against my worst impulses and winning every day. I love myself for doing this. I love not destroying myself for no reason. I love being sober. I love you.

Nicky Flowers - 06/25/25 - If anyone reading this is struggling with alcohol, feel free to reach out if you want to talk about it. It's not always easy to seek help but if I can be there for someone, I would like to try. - (send any comments/questions to hello at nickyflowers dot com)