Bullshitting My Way Into The Future

My best, proudest American quality (probably the only one I possess and could actually be proud of) is my ability to bullshit. I'm not the best at lying but I am a champion bullshitter. Regional champion, at least — I won a modest cash prize for it in college. There was a whole tournament the bullshitter fraternities & clubs around the country organized, it was actually a lot more fun than you'd think. Met some good people. I would've gone to the 2014 Nationals in Spokane but I figured it'd be better to drop out of school and enter the job market. I was ready to bullshit in an office, possibly the finest venue for the amateur bullshitter hoping to go pro.

I went from call center to call center, working my way up to lateral, underpaid positions across the country. I was good. I built rapport and sold all kinds of stupid nonsense. I did not hit my KPIs, but I lived for the rapport. "Don't talk to me 'till I've built up some rapport!", I'd say every morning. Every cold call was a new opportunity for bullshit and I relished in it. I remember early on in my bullshit career calling a man with the last name "Blood". His e-mail address had something to do with Texas independence, I can't remember it exactly and also I shouldn't dox the poor man. Before he answered, I put on a slight drawl (I figured I've watched plenty of King of the Hill to have a decent one) and when he picked up, I became his best friend immediately. He bought nothing and at the end of the call, he told me he was pleased to learn there were lone patriots out in "Taxachusetts", which almost threw me out of character because I had no idea people were still saying that, even back then. I told him I buy all of my "supplies" under the table. He said "God bless ya, Hank" (I couldn't come up with a better name quick enough) and hung up.

I was eventually let go for being so good at the job everybody got jealous and honestly incredibly bitchy, so I moved to Chicago where there was less competition. I had many jobs during my 4-ish years there, and all of them were bad. The big city itself taught me much more than any individual place. Oh, uhh, except for one place I honestly try to forget about — I lived with a group of people who set off my bullshit detectors early and ended up being a bunch of literal Nazis. Well, the rent was cheap, and I got a discount for a few months after one of them made an attempt on my life. The same landlord who cut me that deal then kicked me out for "stiffing" him. C'est la vie.

The very same landlord once challenged me to a game of backgammon, double-or-nothing the rent for that month. He hustled me and I had to pay extra. I hustled him back the next month after studying the game with a guy in park as my tutor for weeks. He did not let me get away with paying nothing, even though that was always the deal. He may have been the greatest bullshitter in my life if I had mercifully never met my mother. The bullshit she spewed could fill a book and even though nobody would ever publish it, she'd still tell people it was a New York Times best-seller. If I told my bullshit landlord about it, he'd have pretended to have read it already and try to one-up me with some made-up story.

There are too many bullshitters in my life to name them all and there's another one born every day. America is filled with them. I'm proud to be my own kind of bullshitter though, away from the standard variety we mostly encounter, as I try to use my skills for good. I'll bullshit my way through pleasant conversations among strangers, or to unearned discounts at large stores. I bullshit out some songwriting and it weirdly works so I leave it in. I bullshit with my friends and those 'shit sessions bring us closer together. C'est la vie.

Nicky Flowers - 10/22/25 - Don't get it twisted!! I love honesty and sincerity too. There's a time and place for all things. Well, most things; we could do without measles. - (send any comments/questions to hello at nickyflowers dot com)