Ant Time

I am going insane, as it is once again Ant Time. Ant Time arrives in the spring and ends in the fall. Ant Time happens mostly within my kitchen, where I want to make food. The food the sugar ants also want to eat. Most of the time, this isn't an issue. There are no ants and I eat the food. That's Normal Time. But then comes Ant Time and that means the ants are here and they want to eat the food and I can't let that happen. I defeat them every time and we take a break for about 2 months and repeat until the end of Ant Time season. Those are the rules of Ant Time. It's my food, not yours, go away, bye bye. Simple as.

Plus, I mean, we can't both eat the food. Technically, we could—I think I would agree with the ants that any unswept crumbs or granules they find are fair game (I'd prefer if they didn't but I should sweep more often). And it's not like anything an ant touches is toxic or anything. But have you ever had, say, a slice of pizza you forgot on the countertop get taken over by ants on account of you didn't know it was Ant Time?

Go ahead, eat that slice.

Exactly. It's ants now.

So there we both are and it's Ant Time and we're both there doing Ant Time together. We don't want to be together doing anything at all, or I don't want to at least. Honestly the ants are a bit hard to read. Like the worst episodes of American sitcom television, the whole dust-up could be solved with a simple conversation. I am Frasier and the ants are my brother, Niles. My kitchen is Frasier's apartment. And my desire for no ants to be in my kitchen is that I'm hosting a dinner party (making dinner every night) and I can't let my brother, Niles (the ants), know about it because he (the ants) would embarrass me in front of a woman I'm trying to impress (my girlfriend). The B plot concerns Roz and Bulldog in a prank war at the radio station. A lesson learned about going too far.

Straightforward communication solves so many problems and it can be so damn elusive for no good reason. I've tried so many ways of talking to the ants. I've tried asking nicely, shouting at them, making the kitchen smell of citrus (that's the ant equivalent of playing a bad song on the stereo to clear out a party). The only other thing I've thought to try is a mix of sugar, water, & Borax in a little plastic dish near where they're entering my kitchen.

I want to tell them we don't have to do Ant Time, though. I don't like making poison. Surely, there's a better way. Maybe I agree to leave them a certain amount of sugar or whatever, just somewhere outside of my kitchen. I feel like we could work something out. They're a bit of a nuisance to me personally but they seem to be a generally reasonable bunch. We could sit down for a nice chat and reach an understanding fairly quickly. And you wouldn't have to ask twice! They get shit done and are as dependable as anyone. I mean, say what you will about Ant Time, it happens like fucking clockwork. I know generally when Ant Time is going to start happening because it's ants we're talking about.

You could set your watch to an ant—you can't have a conversation with one. It's a real shame.

Nicky Flowers - 05/26/24 - Buy my new album so I can get more Borax :-)