Why Do I Botherrrrrrrr (Thinking About Writing)

I don't like my writing voice and I think have a few main issues I have to address. I think I need to cool it with the jokey-ness. But, I dunno, *sometimes* I get a funny line in. Also, other times I try too hard to be poignant or... something. Just a little bit. I have big ideas but I'm still so clumsy with forming them into something. So, I guess I need to find a better balance between the two. (Sorry about this post, it's going to be rambling... I'm going to write it throughout the day as I think about my abilities. It's 8:37am. I'm drinking a Root Beer Bawls and fretting.) Oh, also, I use "stuff" and "things" and "nice" WAY too much.

Second main issue, I don't read enough books that aren't Finnegans Wake. I love Finnegans Wake to depth and backegan but I need like, other literature also. The thought occured to me just now that I should read more Vonnegut. I devoured Breakfast of Champions when I was a freshman in high school and thought "Shit! This guy know's what he's doing", like I was the first person to think this. You know when you're 14 and you think you've discovered a hidden truth that's just a regular opinion? I've gone on to read a few more of his novels but I haven't even gotten to the big one, Slaughterhouse, yet. Picked up a collection of essays I haven't read. I keep buying books this year thinking that's what it will take to get me to read them. I'm reading blogs all the time but that's different. I need to actually read the books.

Third, I mean, sure I am blogging every day now myself partially to get better at writing and these things take time but why should they? Why shouldn't I be good at everything as soon as I want to be? Goddammit.

It's 11:16am. Is *this* blog post even good? I'm going for something here but is it clear? To you, or to me? I'm not editing it so there's a natural ceiling to how good it can be but... why am I so worried about this anyway? Why can't I take my friend Diane's advice? I asked her yesterday if she had any tips for me, as someone also trying to learn the guitar. She said to just sit in front of the TV and make noises every day for a bit. Not to worry about making the "correct" noises. Eventually, I'll figure out how to make more of the noise I want to make and that's playing the guitar just as much as going to classes and learning it proper. That sounds nice. I'm looking at the guitar case right now... Why am I so afraid?

12:52pm - I talked to Dot about this. She was saying how in math writing, the fundamental problem to solve is getting the reader to understand what you're saying. She said that sounds obvious to a lot of writer-types but a lot of people don't get taught this important building block because of how obvious it seems. Maybe the idea being clear *is* more important than the exact wording. We both want to write more/better so we decided to start reading a narratology textbook together. The more I think, the more I wonder what is driving me to dive headfirst into so many projects and new mediums. Maybe the fear I have is less the failure that comes with learning something new, but with what happens if I take a break. I was going to take a break late last month! I'm just as busy as ever, trying to get something going. Anything. It feels like there's not enough time to wait around.

1:31pm - I've thought enough about this for one day. Now, I'm starting to think Bawls has too much caffiene. I shouldn't have had the second one. Time to go do something constructive regardless.

Nicky Flowers - 12/02/24 - This is probably at least 500 words. That's better than not having written anything today. - (send any comments/questions to hello at nickyflowers dot com)