An Open Letter to the Angry German Shepherd That Chased Me Down the Street Yesterday

What the fuck is your problem? Jesus christ.

Honestly, I’ve been meaning to ask you what your deal is for a long time. You’ve had it out for me for years and, for some reason, you thought yesterday was your moment. Nothing special about that day, to me at least. You’ve been barking your stupid head off every time I went down “your” street for four and a half years. Why? Just to hear yourself speak? I don’t understand dogs… but you’re more of an asshole than a dog. Assholes I understand a bit better. Most assholes are more articulate though, so I’m stuck at square one with you. And I’ll probably be stuck there forever, if my wishes came true and you ran off to a farm upstate after I managed to escape.

Speaking of escape, I’ve always wondered why you never jumped over the fence before. It’s laughably short and you’re uncomfortably large. As you demonstrated, it’s not high enough to keep you in the tiny front yard those people kept you in. Why wait four years to make your move? Was it how I smelled that day? W- ohhhhh wait.

Oh my god. I had a pre-rolled joint in my tote bag. You’re a german shepherd who’s always had “washed out of K9 training” vibes… You piece of shit! Hahaha oh my god, was that it? That was it, plus me forgetting to cross to the other side of the street, wasn’t it? That’s the only thing I’ve done differently the past 4 years. Man, not only are you an asshole but you’re a narc! For no reason! You’re a dog in the fucking suburbs, leave me alone OFFICER. Maybe they didn’t cover this in obedience school but it’s legal in California!

It doesn’t matter now, I suppose. You’re off somewhere, god knows where. As free as a dog who’s about to be taken to a shelter. Hope it’s a no-kill!

Love, Nicky

P.S. I’ve never been this mean to a dog before. You come at me again though, and I’ll get meaner!!!

Nicky Flowers - 12/23/24 - Cats all the way! Cats take the gold medal another year in a row! - (send any comments/questions to hello at nickyflowers dot com)